When I was childless, I would observe some parents saying no to their children. I found it amusing when the child persisted with their requests or demands, most parents would either give their child what they wanted or a pared down version. The scenario always reminded me of my Psychology 101 class freshman year on behavior modification. B.F. Skinner coined the term operant conditioning; it essentially means changing a behavior by using reinforcement, which is given after the desired response. This form of parenting reminded me of two types of behavior modification methods ~ intermittent reinforcement and negative reinforcement.
Intermittent reinforcement is like the above example, as long as the child can wear the parent down, they will get what they want ~ eventually. But even if they don’t always get what they want all the time, the random satisfaction is worth the constant nagging, just in case it might work. Remember the mouse in the Skinner Box? It learned to hit the lever and intermittently it would receive a treat. Since it was random, the mouse simply kept hitting the lever until it was rewarded. Does this sound familiar? The parent experienced negative reinforcement, if they gave their child what they wanted, the painful nagging would stop. Unfortunately, in the parent-child world negative reinforcement for the parent supports positive reinforcement for the child.
I kept thinking to myself, if they simply never gave in, the behavior would never be reinforced and soon it would go away ~ SIMPLE! Remember, I said I was childless. Well, who would have thought I would have a child who could care less if he was reinforced or not. Sure he wants what he wants but I believe it is the mere challenge of negotiation that fuels Mathew’s constant requests even though the answer is no. Unfortunately, for me, he inherited his father’s gift for semantics. The precision of words is of the utmost importance when discussing rules or things in this house. I can tell you from first hand experience, it is very tiresome to try to be clear and precise at all times. I would simply love for someone to “make the leap” for me and understand what I am trying to say from time to time instead of always taking what I say verbatim.
When Mathew was 5 years old, I could not simply ask him to clean up his stuff from the living room and put everything away. I had to ask, “Please remove your essence and put it all away appropriately,” because there always seemed to be a loophole he would find. Even at 10 years old, if I fail to use the word appropriately, he will see it as an advantage and try not to get the job done like I want. In pre-school, his teacher complained that he always negotiated. I felt her pain. I always thought to myself, this skill will serve him well as an adult, as long as I can survive parenting him.
This morning around 6am, Mathew came into my bedroom and asked to play on the computer. I say No, no computer before school. I thought I was being crystal clear. Sidebar: Playing on the computer is like crack for Mathew, it really rewires his brain, so we limit his use. It seemed like a bad idea for him to go school all strung-out on Clash of Clans or whatever he is playing this week. He then asked if he could see if the newest update had been done ~ NO. Mathew cannot simply look and stop, remember it’s like crack. He goes away for a moment, gets his book and gets into my bed to read with me. “I just want to play until we have breakfast.” “NO.” This went back and forth until 7am when I left to make breakfast. I cannot even remember all the different variations of why I should let him use the computer. I am not even sure if he cares if he gets to use the computer, after awhile it feels like a game to him and he is trying to trip me up or see if I am paying attention. I have to say he is very persistent and creative and I hope he uses these talents for good.
Am I the only parent that seems to have this problem? Please share and I will continue to share.
